23 Comments on "Friday Freebie"

sizzlakalonji on Fri, 11th Dec 2009 6:14 pm 

Random pieces of truth:
-Germans love David Hasselhoff.
-Jumbo Shrimp is an oxymoron.
-Damn near anything can be eaten if it is battered and deep fried.
-Your mouth is big, size extra large, and when you open it, it’s like my garage.
-Two wonderful fake names: Heywood Jablome and Hugh Jardon.
-These budtrap thingies look pretty funky fresh.

Ron Grosland on Fri, 11th Dec 2009 6:29 pm 

I need to have my buds pinned down. I hate it when my buds dangle.

Lynx009 on Fri, 11th Dec 2009 6:48 pm 

Last time I heard of Budtraps I was SURE that Bud Light and my ear lobes were involved. Great way to get hammered though. The bottle head stretched my ear a lot!!! ( never did find that cap. Still looking…)

Jas on Fri, 11th Dec 2009 7:39 pm 

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, sorry — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

Chad Hogue on Fri, 11th Dec 2009 7:51 pm 

Bud Traps…as practical as mud flaps.

Justin on Fri, 11th Dec 2009 8:01 pm 

A cop was on a horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her shiny new bike rode up next to him.

“Nice bike.” the cop said. “Did Santa bring it to you?”

“Yep, ” said the little girl, “He sure did!”

The cop looked the bike over and eventually handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, “Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.”

The young girl looked up at the cop and said “Nice horse you’ve got there sir. Did Santa bring him to you?”

“Yes, he sure did,” chuckled the cop

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, “Next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”

Joshn on Fri, 11th Dec 2009 8:45 pm 

I made up a new phrase (”Tandoori sizzler”) and added it to urban dictionary: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=tandoori+sizzler

Bedlam on Fri, 11th Dec 2009 9:08 pm 

Lines from High School Essays:

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

D3 on Fri, 11th Dec 2009 9:27 pm 

Customer support
Support employee:
Support: ” computer assistant; may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Word.”

Support: “What sort of trouble?”

Customer: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”,

Support: “Went away?”

Customer:”They disappeared.”

Support: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

Customer: “Nothing.”

Support: “Nothing?”

Customer: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

Support: “Are you still in Word, or did you get out?”

Customer: “How do I tell?”

Support: “Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”

Customer: “What’s a sea-prompt?”

Support: “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

Customer: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

Support: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

Customer: “What’s a monitor?”

Support: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Support: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

Customer: ……”Yes, I think so.”

Support: “Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

Customer: ……”Yes, it is.”

Support: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

Customer: “No.”

Support: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

Customer: ……”Okay, here it is.”

Support: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

Customer: “I can’t reach.”

Support: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

Customer: “No.”

Support: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

Customer:”Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”

Support: “Dark?

Customer: “Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

Support: “Well, turn on the office light then.”

Customer:”I can’t.”

Support: “No? Why not?”

Customer: “Because there’s a power outage.”

Support: “A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

Customer: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

Support: “Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

Customer: “Really? Is it that bad?”

Support: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

Customer: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

Support: “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

Stewart on Fri, 11th Dec 2009 9:29 pm 

I locked my tennis teacher in a cupboard.

D3 on Fri, 11th Dec 2009 9:50 pm 

haha we rolled our table tennis coach’s car down a hill and into a ditch
we got detention x25 but the look on his face was tremendous

Tommy Tide on Sat, 12th Dec 2009 5:46 am 

Bama tried, Tebow cried. Actually, we now call him “Tearbow”!

WilhelmR on Sun, 13th Dec 2009 11:36 am 

Something funny.. what about a headphones joke? here it goes:

A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but she protests that she’ll die without them.

The hairdresser sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes the headphones. A few minutes later, the blonde collapses, dead on the floor. Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the headphones to his ear and hears, “Breathe in. Breathe out.”



Richard on Sun, 13th Dec 2009 2:20 pm 

Here are some (fast) funny and interesting facts:
-The first recruiting station of the U.S. Marines was a bar.
-The world’s oldest known recipe is for beer.
-It is estimated that there are 49,000,000 (forty-nine million) bubbles in a bottle of champagne.
-It is illegal to feed alcohol to Moose in Alaska and fish in Ohio.
-17 million barrels of oil is used in the production of bottles yearly(enough to fuel 1 million cars for 1 year)
-You have the same number of bone as a giraffe has. The difference is obvious … giraffe bones are a lot longer!
-In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined
-A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
-Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500!
-There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos!
-Slugs have 4 noses!

Tim on Sun, 13th Dec 2009 3:34 pm 

I got into a bud trap once.

I can’t get packages here in Joliet Penitentiary. Any chance Dave could visit and smuggle one up his ass for me?

Alex on Sun, 13th Dec 2009 9:43 pm 

it’s funny how you will such a small thing to Russia )

Comercial9 on Mon, 14th Dec 2009 2:10 am 

Two guys walk into a bar. I still don’t know how the second one didn’t saw it coming.

Brent Womble on Mon, 14th Dec 2009 4:59 am 

Ahh!

sizzlakalonji on Mon, 14th Dec 2009 5:43 pm 

Here’s another one:
So, a dyslexic guy walks into a bra…

sf49lu on Wed, 16th Dec 2009 12:06 am 

this may not be the longest, but i think its pretty good quality.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

james on Fri, 18th Dec 2009 6:00 am 

Hell I need one of these as much as the next guy don’t you think?
Yaesumofo

Sizzler on Sun, 20th Dec 2009 7:24 am 

Presenting: THE GUY RULEBOOK (Not Created by me)

Rules from men to women:

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sports . It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing, We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .

Don’t ask us what were thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Rules from men to men:

1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.)

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

11. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.

12. Women who claim the “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

13. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

14. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

15. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

16. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

If you’re a guy: You will laugh a little and realize how true this is!

If you’re a woman: Laugh and roll your eyes at our stupidity!

Sizzler on Sun, 20th Dec 2009 8:33 am 

Lucky PIGs

*If you fart constantly for 6 years and 9 months you can produce enough gas to create an atomic bomb.(Now we’re talking!)

*A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes!!(In my next life I wanna be a pig!!! But how did they find this out and why did they investigate?)

*When banging your head on a wall,you burn 150 calories per hour. (Don’t try this at home…at work maybe? In the mean time I still don’t believe the pig-thing!!)

*Humans and dolphins are the only creatures that have sex not only to reproduce but also for pleasure. (So that’s why Flipper was always smiling…And pigs experience 30-min orgasms? That doesn’t seem fair!)

*The strongest muscle in your body is actually your tongue! (Mmmmmm…)
*Right-handed people live on average 9 years longer than left-handed.(If someone uses both hands he can split the difference??)

*An ant can lift 50 times its weight, pull 30 times its weight and when it gets drunk it always falls over on its right side.(How can an ant get drunk?? It drinks beer?? Did ratepayers actually pay for this research? I want someone to give me a reliable answer!)

*Polar bears are left-handed.(And who cares??! How did they find that out? They asked them to sign somewhere?)

*The cat-fish has over 27,000 taste buds.(Now, just what can be that delicious in the bottom of the lake…who knows!)

*Fleas can jump 350 times their bodies’ length. It’s the eqivalent to a human jumping over a football field! (30 minutes orgasm…Can you imagine?? And why only pigs?)

*A cockroach can live for 9 days after its head is cut off!(That’s just scary!)

*The male mantis cannot come while his head is attached to his body. So,the female “helps” him in the “right moment” by chopping off his head!!(At least pigs are having a better time!)

*Elephants cannot jump. (Thank God!!Imagine the results if that was possible!)

*Some lions can mate up to 50 times a day! (But I still wanna be a pig in my next life…I prefer quality to quantity!)

*Butterflies smell with their feet!(wow…very fetishist)

*An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain! (Yeah..I got some friends with the same problem…)

*Goldfish don’t have brains! (I’ve got some friends with that problem too…)

Well, after these researches I can only declare one thing: LUCKY PIGS!!