Some games are just not worth your attention. Some games are so trite that you would sooner watch the Windows 98 defrag screen for hours than play them. Some games are very clearly just trying to cash-in on the AppStore gold-rush, gameplay and originality be damned.
This is a story about those games.
Chromodyne is a match three game! Does it really matter what else I say about it? I see reviews for match three games all over the AppStore saying things like, “it’s a match three game with a twist!” Wrong. It’s just another match three game. That’s all you need to know.
Chromodyne – $.99
Kinich Ahau (or Sun King) is also a match three game. I’m already sick of talking about it. And, unlike Chromodyne, Kinich Ahau has no twist, imaginary or otherwise. It’s about as generic as it gets, right down to the Mayan graphic theme and pan flute music. Slide blocks around to match three. That’s it. Who cares? Not me. Try harder.
SpaceBlocker capitalizes on yet another worn out model. You guessed it, Tetris. But wait! There’s a twist! This time, you fire blocks UP to complete rectangles of blocks, which disappear, saving the world or something. To be fair, SpaceBlocker is a decent concept, but it’s too slow and clunky to actually be fun. It looks and feels like it was a first time programming effort. It could possibly be good with some polish.
ExMachina Extended claims to be a rhythm game, and it looks like one on the surface. It has the required columns and tap pads, just like Tap Tap Revenge. But there is little, if any rhythm involved. Tap the pads whenever you want, and they’ll fire a colored blob up to counteract the corresponding falling color blob. There’s some sort of ready-made techno squeaking away in the background, but it doesn’t seem to have a direct relationship with the gameplay. When I think about ExMachina, three questions come to mind, “Why?” “Who cares?” and, “What’s for lunch?”
These games make the AppStore suck the same way spam makes email suck. They are the obnoxious flashing, talking, dancing banner ads of the AppStore. Their only purpose is to make a quick buck (or three) from the accidental clicks of impulsive buyers.
Of course, I’m right, but how does that account for the 4.5 star AppStore rating Chromodyne currently boasts? It’s simple. You people don’t know what’s good for you. These developers are ready to take advantage of that.
Developers: Please stop. You’re ruining everything. Better yet, prove me wrong by releasing an imaginative, worthwhile game.
Let me conclude by apologizing if any of the games in this article were developed as a seventh grade class project. Good work, kids!