Casual

Four to Ignore

Some games are just not worth your attention. Some games are so trite that you would sooner watch the Windows 98 defrag screen for hours than play them. Some games are very clearly just trying to cash-in on the AppStore gold-rush, gameplay and originality be damned.

This is a story about those games.

Chromodyne is a match three game! Does it really matter what else I say about it? I see reviews for match three games all over the AppStore saying things like, “it’s a match three game with a twist!” Wrong. It’s just another match three game. That’s all you need to know.

You want more details? Fine. Chromodyne has a backstory. Two badly drawn but oh-so-comical aliens hurl progressively bigger objects at the Earth, and it’s up to you to repel them with your amazing match three skills. You’re presented with concentric rings of colorful blocks. Spin the rings to match the columns, which will then fire into the offending object. It’s a good thing Chromodyne is slow, because it’s challenging as hell to tap the right ring. The twist on this match three is that you can’t spin the ring you want, so it’s trial and error until you actually get a match. And if you run out of matches, it takes forever for the game to end while you do nothing. Chromodyne? No thanks!

Kinich Ahau

Kinich Ahau

Game Rating

1-stars

Chromodyne – $.99

Kinich Ahau (or Sun King) is also a match three game. I’m already sick of talking about it. And, unlike Chromodyne, Kinich Ahau has no twist, imaginary or otherwise. It’s about as generic as it gets, right down to the Mayan graphic theme and pan flute music. Slide blocks around to match three. That’s it. Who cares? Not me. Try harder.

Game Rating

p5five-stars-bg

Kinich Ahau – $0.99

Space Blocker

Space Blocker

SpaceBlocker capitalizes on yet another worn out model. You guessed it, Tetris. But wait! There’s a twist! This time, you fire blocks UP to complete rectangles of blocks, which disappear, saving the world or something. To be fair, SpaceBlocker is a decent concept, but it’s too slow and clunky to actually be fun. It looks and feels like it was a first time programming effort. It could possibly be good with some polish.

Game Rating

2-stars

Space Blocker – $1.99

ExMachina Extended claims to be a rhythm game, and it looks like one on the surface. It has the required columns and tap pads, just like Tap Tap Revenge. But there is little, if any rhythm involved. Tap the pads whenever you want, and they’ll fire a colored blob up to counteract the corresponding falling color blob. There’s some sort of ready-made techno squeaking away in the background, but it doesn’t seem to have a direct relationship with the gameplay. When I think about ExMachina, three questions come to mind, “Why?” “Who cares?” and, “What’s for lunch?”

Ex Machina

Ex Machina

Game Rating

p5five-stars-bg

Ex Machina Extended – $2.99

These games make the AppStore suck the same way spam makes email suck. They are the obnoxious flashing, talking, dancing banner ads of the AppStore. Their only purpose is to make a quick buck (or three) from the accidental clicks of impulsive buyers.

Of course, I’m right, but how does that account for the 4.5 star AppStore rating Chromodyne currently boasts? It’s simple. You people don’t know what’s good for you. These developers are ready to take advantage of that.

Developers: Please stop. You’re ruining everything. Better yet, prove me wrong by releasing an imaginative, worthwhile game.

Let me conclude by apologizing if any of the games in this article were developed as a seventh grade class project. Good work, kids!

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  • http://www.pyrosmile.org Matt Dunn, USA

    haha! i love it. nice first post! ;)

  • Jason Johnston, USA

    Thanks, Matt. I’m celebrating by deleting the hell out of these four games.

  • legend.inc

    good one…

  • http://celsiusgs.com/ Colin Walsh

    I’m the guy that wrote Chromodyne and I just wanted to say thanks for the brutally honest review. Sorry you didn’t enjoy the game, but I just wanted to say that it was not my intent to make a “quick buck” off the app store. Certainly it’s my first effort and it shows in places, but I really did try to deliver something new and fun, even if it was to the tired match three genre.

    Anyway, hopefully you’ll find one of my future releases more appealing (promise it won’t be match-3).

  • http://www.pyrosmile.org Matt Dunn, USA

    Wow, I think you are the first developer to ever be mature about a bad review on this site. I have major respect for that. You can’t always win them all, but good luck with your next endeavor!

  • Jason Johnston, USA

    Thanks for responding, Colin. For the record, I hate writing negative reviews. Everybody has to start somewhere, and, as an individual, I think you’re off to a great start. You should know that I have a lot of respect for you because, for one thing, I can’t program shit. All I can do is write scathing and sarcastic reviews. For another, you took my negative comments with class. I look forward to your future projects. I’m sure you have some really cool stuff in store for us, even if you have to build up to it.
    You say on your website that your next game will be an RPG. I hope you’ll throw some of that Chromodyne humor into the story. Keep us informed!

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